Some couples use drugs or alcohol together, especially when they first start dating. It can be a way to unwind on a Friday night, celebrate an anniversary together, or break up the monotony of a 40-hour work week. Unfortunately, engaging in regular substance use can carry significant risks to the relationship.
When one partner decides to get sober and the other doesn’t, it can change the relationship in many ways. You may now sit across the table from someone who’s pouring a glass of wine while you sip water, or you may prefer to stay home on a Saturday night while they want to go out dancing. Suddenly, it can feel like you have different interests, different ideas of how to spend your time, and an obvious lack of connection.
While it’s recommended to wait at least one year to start dating someone new, what do you do when you already have a relationship with someone who’s not sober? This can be a difficult journey, and there’s no right answer on how to handle it. What’s important is that you protect your recovery while you figure out what comes next.
Why Early Sobriety Can Put a Strain on Relationships
Relationships change when one person gets sober. Shared routines disappear, and your social circles may change as you step back from certain friends or activities. You might even find that you have less in common now that drugs or alcohol aren’t in the picture. This can be a tough pill to swallow.
Your partner may be having a hard time, too, even if they don’t admit it. Some partners feel judged, while others feel like they’ve lost their companion. Your partner may even worry that you’ll outgrow them. While none of this makes them a bad person, these feelings can create tension in a relationship. And this is the last thing you need as you rebuild your life.
Protecting Your Sobriety at Home
One of the first things to do is have an honest conversation about what you need from your partner. Your home should be your safe space, so you may ask them to keep alcohol or drugs out of the house, or at least out of sight. You may also request that they don’t drink in front of you right now or come home under the influence.
It also helps to make a plan for the situations that may turn up, like parties you’re invited to or holidays with extended family. You’re not giving your partner a free pass to do what they want, but rather coming up with ways to handle life’s events in a way that feels reasonable and fair for both of you.
Talking About It Without Preaching
Once you’ve found sobriety, it’s natural to want the people you love to experience the same peace in their lives. Unfortunately, this isn’t something that you’re in control of, and trying to get your partner sober usually backfires. You can’t control another person’s choices, which means the desire to change must come from them.
Right now, it’s best to focus on your own experience and needs. Explain that you need certain things to stay healthy, which prevents the conversation from turning into a debate. This approach can also protect you from becoming exhausted and resentful. If your partner does choose to get sober one day, the decision will mean more because it came from them.
Finding Support for Both of You
As you navigate this new chapter, there are some steps you can take to preserve your relationship and protect your recovery:
- Participate in couples therapy to talk through issues like resentment, fear, and changing expectations.
- Encourage your partner to get support through meetings like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, where they can talk with others whose loved ones are also in recovery.
- Build new shared routines to take the place of drinking or substance use, such as hiking, trying new restaurants, or cooking dinner together.
- Set healthy boundaries around substance use, social activities, and situations that could put your recovery at risk.
- Keep communication open, even when conversations are uncomfortable. Be honest about what you need from each other rather than expecting your partner to know.
- Respect each other’s progress. You and your partner may be adjusting to these changes at different speeds, and that’s okay.
When the Relationship Becomes a Risk
Sometimes, despite everyone’s best intentions, a partner’s ongoing substance use makes recovery very difficult. If your partner pressures you to drink or use substances, mocks your sobriety, puts your safety at risk, or refuses to respect your boundaries, it may be time to take a harder look at what you need.
This doesn’t automatically mean that the relationship has to end. What it means is that you have to put your recovery first, because if you’re not sober and staying true to yourself, you can’t show up fully for anyone, and that includes the person you love.
Support for Every Part of Your Recovery
At Pura Vida Recovery in Santa Rosa, we understand that recovery happens inside real lives and real relationships. Our programs, from medical detox and residential treatment to outpatient care, help clients build the skills to set boundaries, communicate honestly, and protect their sobriety at home.
If you’re navigating a relationship where only one of you is in recovery, you don’t have to sort it out on your own. Reach out to our team today to learn how we can help.
